


Lighthouse

by Straykiiidz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 07:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17484224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straykiiidz/pseuds/Straykiiidz
Summary: And they are in love, but love means more than just pretty flowers and sweet words.





	Lighthouse

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you for the nice feedback on my last story and I apologise for making anyone cry (I really didn't mean to). 
> 
> I'm not really sure, how I came up with this idea, but I'm in love with this ship and felt the need to write something for them.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry for any mistakes and I hope you enjoy:)

And they are in love.

And their love is so beautiful and pure like non other. And their love is full of pretty flowers and beautiful smiles. Their love is full of promises and happiness. All the sweet words are choosen carefully.

And nothing can destroy the beauty of love.

And nothing can destroy them.

They promised.

 

  
"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No!"

The smaller boy pouts at the taller's crossed arms, but does not mutter another word, knowing that 'no' means 'no'.

But he would not be Jisung, if he does not try one last time.

"Why not?"

And Hyunjin wants to scream out of frustration.

 

  
They are sitting on the dark wodden floor of their living room, since the grey couch is occupied by Minho, who decided to lay across the whole furniture together with his orange cat, hissing at everyone who touched them.

When Jisung stormed inside the oldest apartment, Minho let out a long and loud groan and his fingers left Hyunjin's short hair which he had played with earlier. The younger, who was and still is sitting on the floor, looked up at him with a pout, but smiled brightly, when he saw Jisung slide on the wooden floor.

Minho on the other hand had already grabbed a pillow to smother himself.

And when Jisung had jumped over the grey furniture and landed on top of Minho, the latter wanted to throw Jisung out of the window. However, he did not and only pushed the shorter down, who ended up falling on top of Hyunjin, who groaned loudly at the sudden weight on top of him.

But it was at least not Minho's problem anymore. Hyunjin could deal with it.

After Jisung had finally moved away from the taller, he cleared his throat - and was totally not hit by Minho with the pillow - and told the other two, with his bright gummy smile, about his idea of partner tattoos which he had already designed earlier that day.

The youngest was literally vibrating with joy and he could not hide his excitement. Jisung had always been bad at hiding his emotions, in Minho's opinion. But what the latter does not know is that Jisung is not actually bad in it, Minho is just too good in reading him.

Minho threw his arms up in the air and let the sleeves roll down to expose his tattoos. Pretending to consider Jisung's idea while humming loudly, but the younger already knew that he did not have to worry about Minho refusing.

The tattoos on the oldest arms were all made by Jisung himself and they were a quite lot. From cute kittens on the inside of the other's wrist to a small daddy tattoo on the inside of his elbow. Minho remembered how Jisung practically begged him to get that one and how huge his smile was after he had gotten it. It had been the first and last time Minho had not been sure if the tattoo would be a good idea.

But when you spend years with someone like Jisung, you cannot help but start trusting them. No matter what.

A quiet chuckle left his lips at the memory and he turned to Jisung with a smile, nod and a high five. The youngest squeald and tried to jump on him again, but he was again stopped by the pillow.

Hyunjin on the other hand, was not as excited as either of them.

Uncomfortably, he pulled his short sleeves down, trying to hide his bare arms. He had never even considered getting a tattoo, liking his body even without breathtakingly beautiful artworks on it. But, right then, he felt naked.

 

  
Nevertheless, he finds himself unable to answer the question.

His lips are parted and he even freed his arms so he can rise a hand in the younger's direction. He even breathed in audibly, to show, that he does have an answer, but Jisung's pout becomes a little more appearent and his brown eyes just a little bigger and Hyunjin cannot say no to that.

He never could.

And it is not like Hyunjin actually has an argument.

Which is the reason, why he sits there with a raised hand, parted lips and with only the air in his body which he breathed in maybe a minute ago.

And Jisung remains silent. Waiting for the answer which he knows will never come, but watching Hyunjin's frustrative expression has always been funny.

It is not a surprise for either of them, when Minho decides to speak up and ruin the fun for the youngest.

 

"Close your mouth, Jinnie."

The mubble alone is enough for Hyunjin to help him out of his trance, but Minho is not Minho if he does not fluster anyone. Therefore, he also puts two fingers under the taller's chin and gives it a light push. Smirking, when he sees the light blush on Hyunjin's cheeks. Yet he misses the just as ugly smirk as his own on Jisung's face.

And when Jisung sees the blush on the taller, he knows that he won. He knows that Hyunjin is not able to answer back anymore.

It has always been way too easy to win an argument against Hyunjin.

Jisung just needed to sneak his arms around the older's waist, raise his voice just a little to appear cuter and Hyunjin would be all his. Blushing and stuttering, not knowing what to do.

This was also the way Jisung conviced Hyunjin to let him pierce his ears, but this is a story which should be never be retold.

 

However, Jisung should not forget that, even though, Minho withheld himself until now, the oldest is always ready to make Jisung's life just a little harder.

Just for the sake of it.

 

"But,"

Both Jisung and Hyunjin snap their heads towards the oldest, making him worry, that they maybe hurt themselves during the process, but non of them showed any sign of pain and therefore Minho dismissed it.

"I do understand, why Jinnie does not want that tattoo."

It is Hyunjin's turn to smirk at the youngest direction, finally having someone on his side.

It is rare for him to have someone back him up - especially Minho - and there is a part of him who worries what may happen next, but his happiness overpowers that side.

Jisung, however, patiently waits for Minho to continue talking, knowing that the older is not done yet. Because if there is something Minho loves more than making Jisung's life harder, it is embarrassing Hyunjin. The youngest just wonders which memory the older may pick for his next move.

The fingers are back on Hyunjin's short hair and start to play with it again, making the younger purr quietly under the oldest touch. A smirk marks Minho's face.

"I mean, remember when you died Jinnie's hair blonde?"

And Hyunjin's smirk leaves immidiatly.

Jisung and Minho start laughing hysterically at the memory while Hyunjin hides his face behind his hands.

 

Not to long ago had Jisung the idea of dying each others hair, starting of with Hyunjin since the latter lost the essential game of Mario Kart.

The tall boy silently cried, when he saw Jisung google for instructions and sobbed a little louder, when Jisung opened the Wikihow page.

  
Jisung is an artist, talented with needles and paint and creates beautiful artworks on people's skin as a job.

Jisung is not a hairstylist and is actually not even allowed to be near scissors in Minho's apartment or his own.

  
On the meantime, Minho tried to calm the crying boy with sweets and words, and Hyunjin may have stopped sobbing loudly, but the tears continued to flow and he hiccuped loudly once in a while, making Jisung groan in frustration who tried his best and did not want to ruin the taller's hair since both Jisung and Minho loved it so much.

And after way too much time, Jisung was done.

The hair had turned out awful but Hyunjin refused to cut the failed attempt of ash blonde hair, 'since this would only look worse'. That is how he ended up wearing a beanie for one week straight, until Jisung snapped at him and coaxed the taller into cutting the ruined hair.

Now, the result of the cut hair was, in both boy's opinion, far better than the yellowish, fried blonde hair, but Hyunjin was still pissed and insisted on continuing to wear his beanie and never falling prey for any of their ideas again.

It went well for some weeks.

 

And when Jisung calmed down from his laughing fit, he tries to argue again.

"But a tattoo is not hair!"

"Yeah, a tattoo is fucking temporary and I will sure as fuck not walk around with a dick on my forehead!"

Minho snorts loudly at Hyunjin's outburst.

Memories of the always shy and collected boy, who did not dare to use a swearword even if his life dependent on it, appear in the oldest mind again. This was the boy Minho fell in love with and not too much time has passed since their first encounter, but Hyunjin's change in behaviour is way too obvious for the oldest.

It is way too obvious for Minho, how much the once shy boy got influenced by his bofriends, and Minho is not sure, if this is as good as he first thought.

Nonetheless, Jisung crawls behind the tall boy, wrapping his arms around the other's waist and feeling, how the older slightly stiffens under his touch. The youngest is also aware of Hyunjin's changed behaviour, but is not as worried as Minho is, since he can still see the old shy boy in the taller.

For example the taller's habbits, like fiddling with his fingers or his bottom lip whenever he is nervous to distract himself, or how he lingers on the mirror with his self-conscious eyes or how he runs a hand through his hair, even though, it is still too short for the desired effect, never left him after all. All the habbits which Hyunjin was never able to get rid of no matter how hard he tried. And both Jisung and Minho are very happy about that.

So, yes, maybe Jisung did ruin the perfect boy he fell in love with, but said perfect boy is still there, just hidden under some of the damage Jisung has done.

It is not even a lot of damage. Minho is just exaggerating again.

  
"I also have never said something about dicks on foreheads."

Jisung's whisper makes Hyunjin shiver.

The latter can feel the goosebumps on his skin and Jisung's lips on his ear. Soft heartshaped lips tuning into a wicked smirk.

"And what did you have in mind?"

Hyunjin does not mean to whisper as well, but this is just the power which Jisung's gentle voice holds.

"A lighthouse."

"What?"

Minho's soulless voice turns the room silent.

 

Hyunjin's hands quickly grab the soft pillow which Minho dropped on the floor. His fingers sink into the soft material, playing with the edges of it and the thought of a tattoo does not sound that bad anymore, if he is being honest with himself.

But the fear in him is still there.

His eyes wander towards the television, staring at the black screen and sees, how the younger's tattooed arms are still wrapped around his waist. He meets his own self-conscious eyes on the screen and stares a little longer than necessary, hating how vulnerable he looks.

Moving his eyes away from his own reflection, he looks at Jisung's. The boy who's body is still pressed on his back, face turned in the other direction and legs thrown over the older's lap. The younger's sweatpants do not cover his full right leg, since Jisung was too lazy again to put then on right and if no one adjusts them for him he leaves them like this.

The taller's finger swipe over the little squirrel tattoo on the other's leg. It was right below his knee and little more on the inside of his leg. The squirrel is quite cute, munching on a little nut and Hyunjin could cover the whole tattoo with his thumb.

He notices how the younger twitches under the light touch.

He is ticklish.

Hyunjin looks down at the tattooed arms and tattooed leg and at the two mismatched socks - one with the Starry Night on it, which Jisung wanted for Christmas, and a pink one with white dots - and the other sweatpant covered leg. He knows that this leg is free from any artworks, since Jisung prefers his tattoos on the top half of his body.

And the idea of a tattoo really does not sound that bad anymore!

But he only sighs and closes his eyes. Trying his best not to cry again because he cries way too often and this time there is really no reason to cry.

He did a lot of stupid things ever since he had met the other two boys. From dying his hair and shaving it, to trying various drugs. He even lost his virginity, for God's sake!

So why is he so terrified because of a simple tattoo?

 

"You really don't want to?"

Jisung's arms leave the taller's waist and his legs no longer rest on Hyunjin's lap and the boy immidiatly misses the warmth. He wants to grab the limbs again and throw them over his too hot but also frezzing body, cuddling with the boy who he loves so much.

Of course he does not do that. He does not have the courage to do what he desires.

"It's not that I don't want to! It's-"

He interrupts himself, still not knowing what the problem actually is. Lowering his head even more, he does not notice how Minho sits down in front of him. Another pair of tattooed arms, even if they have significantly less tattoos than Jisung's - Hyunjin counted them once - wrap around his neck and he feels the warmth around his waist again.

And he really feels like crying.

 

"You're scared."

And Hyunjin nods. Because, yes, he is scared, but has no idea why or what causes his fear. He just knows that he is.

Jisung opens his mouth to tell the taller that getting a tattoo really does not hurt that bad, but Minho shushes him.

"You aren't scared of the pain."

And Jisung snaps his mouth shut.

Hyunjin notices that Minho did not phrase a question but a statement, but he nods nonetheless.

"So what are you afraid of?"

And Hyunjin realises what he is afraid of.

Because, when he opens his squeezed shut eyes and does not see the arms wrapped around his waist anymore, he feels like crying even more.

But he cannot say it. The words on the tip of his tongue, but before they can leave his parted lips, he swallows them down again.

 

"You're scared that we leave you behind."

And Hyunjin could not have said it any better.

But a part of him still wonders how Jisung can voice out his own thoughts so easily, when the taller himself has problems with phrasing them.

 

"Is that true?"

"Yes."

And his voice sounds as wracked as he feels.

 

The other two boys nod, trying to process the new information as quickly as possible.

Jisung is the first one to break the silence by standing up and leaving the room, noticing the angry glance Minho throws his way but leaving nonetheless only to come back with his sketchbook maybe a minute later.

The once simple black notebook now has ripped edges and far more pages than before. It looks like it is about to explode and is not even black anymore, but as colorful as Jisung's personality.

He squeezes himself between Minho and Hyunjin and opens his book with a smile. The youngest licks his index finger and thumb and turns each page slowly, earning a giggle from Hyunjin and a sigh from Minho.

It takes some time, but when Jisung turns to the last page, the giggle dies down.

"That's what I had in mind."

 

The first thing Hyunjin's notices is how different it looks. There is not a hint of Jisung's usually crazy comic style and Hyunjin cannot help but like this style a little more.

He tries to ignore the other childish doodles on the page and focusses on the drawing in the middle and, yes, he wants that tattoo. No matter what.

"You like it?"

"It's beautiful."

His finger brushes over the black window and he feels a small smile form on his lips and he moves his finger towards the moon which he is not sure if it is also part of the drawing.

He hopes it is.

Small dots surround the lighthouse looking like the brightest stars, even though, they are as black as the window.

And the unnecessary lines look like a constellation and if Hyunjin knows something about stars, he would realise that this is the constellation for his own zodiac sign.

 

"Do you want it?"

Hyunjin wants it more than anything, but he does not answer.

"How about you think about it again and tomorrow we either go to the studio or we all call in sick to stay here and watch movies?"

Jisung's offer sounds amazing, but Hyunjin does not feel the need to think about it anymore.

One last time does his finger follow the constellation and the offer repeats itself in his head.

  
"Can we also do both?"

"Sure."

 

  
It turns out that Hyunjin's pain tolerance is as low as his self-confidence and Jisung never had to pause that often while making a tattoo.

But the tattoo looks beautiful on Hyunjin and he swears he has the most beautiful artwork in the world on his wrist and he can replace the Mona Lisa once he is dead.

And after Minho and Jisung received their tattoos as well, they leave the studio with Jisung faking coughing the whole time until Chan, his boss, gave up on being strict and forcing the younger to continue working, and let Jisung leave earlier. Jisung still believes that his acting skill were just too good and neither Minho nor Hyunjin have the heart to tell him the truth.

 

"So, now we have partner tattoos."

Minho hums but does not look away from the television, too focused on the movie.

Hyunjin shifts next to him, throwing his leg over the other's lap, asking for attention. The other rolls his eyes and pinches Hyunjin's inner thigh, but he does not move his leg away.

"We are now forever connected with each other."

Minho does not answer this time.

They can hear the toilet flushing in the background and some seconds later, Jisung is laying on top of the other two's laps again. But Hyunjin is still not watching the movie, way too many thoughts running through his head while he plays with a strand of Jisung's blue hair.

A shuddering breath leaves his lips.

"You guys promise to never leave me? I really don't want to remove the tattoo."

Jisung and Minho notice the other's failed attempt to lighten up the mood. They grab the taller's hands and small smiles adore all of their faces.

"We promise."

 

  
But sometimes love is not exactly how you think it is.

Love is not only the pretty flowers and beautiful smiles. Love is not only hugs and sweet words.

Sometimes, love is ugly.

And sometimes love means shouting and broken promises. Sometimes love means jealousy and lies.

Sometimes, love is not as beautiful as it seems.

 

Hyunjin has always been a heavy sleeper. Not even a shooting can wake him up. Therefore, Jisung is not all to careful, when he tries to sneak out.

The clock on his bedside table still shows the wrong time, but Jisung is already used to it and can tell that it is a little past midnight.

He takes one last look in the mirror, adjusting the sleeves of his white shirt so they show the perfect amount of colorful tattoos on his arms. Covering the small waving penguin on his wrist with his hand and remembering Hyunjin's shy smile and trembling hands, when the older gave Jisung the white shirt for their first anniversary.

The present was wrapped in post it notes in various colors. Each note had a different quote or little drawing - like the waving penguin - on it and Jisung felt bad for only putting a bow on his present for Hyunjin.

But the older did not mind. Of course he did not mind.

Hyunjin has always been way too nice.

 

His hand travels his arm up, leaving the happy penguin behind, and travels down his chest. Fingers feeling each of the white buttons and stopping, when his hand grazes the picture of the burning rose on the right side of his shirt. Face remaining emotionless, but his mind full of wonder and respect. Still not believing that Hyunjin himself took such a beautiful photo.

And another chuckle leaves his lips.

Pictures cover the sides of the mirror and every single one of them, is prettier than the last. Each taken exactly in the right moment with so much care and precision and talent.

The first thing Jisung noticed, when he met Hyunjin, was the other's talent in photography. Carrying the camera with so much carefulness, carrying the word passion in his eyes. Jisung is aware of the older's talents and passion in general, but what he cannot believe is the fact, how oblivious Hyunjin is towards them.

The smile leaves his lips, when he remembers Hyunjin's self-conscious eyes and trembling hands. The way he always tries to hide his perfection and never accepting compliments, always trying to make himself look bad.

Because he honestly believes that he is.

And maybe one day Jisung will finally be able to show him how amazing he actually is.

One day.

He promises.

 

The buzzing in his back pocket snaps him back to reality and Jisung takes out his phone, laughing at Minho's seemingly never ending messages.

  
_My Minhoe_   
_Im waiting... >:(((((((_   
_Sungie!!1!!_   
_I will leave u for Sonnie for real this timr!!_   
_> >>:(((_

  
Jisung rolls his eyes at the empty threat. He heard it way too often now.

  
_My Minhoe_   
_Know wat?_   
_Sonni is way better than u nyways_   
_Sonnie*_

  
"Of course she is."

"Who?"

Jisung yelps, when the lights turn on.

Quickly turning around, he sees how Hyunjin flinches slightly, eyes now wide open because of Jisung's scream.

And it feels like the whole world turned against him.

Because Hyunjin should be sleeping now, dreaming of chocolate and ice cream and should not stand next to the open glass door in Jisung's room.

Panic is evident in Jisung's eyes, searching desperately for a way to escape, but the only door is blocked by the older and Jisung is not going to climb out of the window again.

The older's eyes however examine Jisung and he notices that the younger is fully dressed. He furrows his eyebrows together. His mind still foggy from sleep.

The younger, on the other hand, presses his lips together, unsure what to do and unable to speak up.

Because not only should the older be asleep right now, but Jisung should be at the party with Minho. A party which Hyunjin should never find out about.

All this was not supposed to happen like this.

 

"Hey, Jinnie."

Hyunjin's eyes snap up to meet the younger's, waiting for an explanation and noticing way too quickly that Jisung does not have one.

"Hey, Sungie. Where are you going?"

And Jisung knew that Hyunjin would ask this. He knows that the older's mind is slowly clearing up again and if he does not come up with the best excuse ever, he will be more than just fucked this time.

But he cannot. He cannot lie to him.

  
"Smoking."

"Smoking?"

Jisung nods. It is the first thing that came to his mind, but he realises that the answer is anything but clever.

 

"Smoking."

Hyunjin repeats the word while nodding to himself. He is clearly not believing it.

The younger swallows.

"Alone?"

"Yes."

And Hyunjin is still not believing him.

 

They stand there in this awkward silence and the older sighs and is about to give up and go back to sleep, stepping forward to peck Jisung's lips, but when he hears a phone vibrating and Jisung wincing, his tired eyes widden.

"Who were you talking about earlier?"

"No one."

"Jisung."

The older steps forward and Jisung steps backwards and Hyunjin's steps quicken and in the next second, the younger finds himself pressed against the wall. Holding his phone like is life depends on it because his love life pretty much depends on it right now and how he wishes that Minho would save him.

However, Hyunjin tries to get the phone out of the younger's hand and Jisung notices the frustration on the older's face and on normal occasion he would giggle and hand over his phone. But Hyunjin is dead serious and Jisung is actually scared because Hyunjin is never dead serious.

The phone vibrates again and Jisung wants to strangle Minho now.

"Give it!"

"No!"

"Why?!"

And in the next second, plump but chapped lips are pressed on Jisung's and an embarrassing sound comes out of him and his eyes widen before they close and it feels like his body is melting.

The phone now completely forgotten by the younger and Hyunjin grabs it before Jisung lets it fall and removes his lips from him.

Brown eyes flutter open again and the first thing they see is Hyunjin's hurt expression while reading the messages.

 

This is the first time that his heart breaks this night.

 

"You are meeting Minho."

It does not like a question, so Jisung does not feel like an answer is necessary. It sounds more like Hyunjin trying to accept the fact that both of his boyfriends secretly meet up, not only without him but also without telling him and Jisung wants to slap himself. He never meant to make Hyunjin sad and if he can go back in time and refuse to meet up-

There is nothing he would rather do.

But it is too late now.

"Listen, Jinnie-"

"Don't fucking _Jinnie_ me."

And Jisung would have laughed, if this happened on another day. But Hyunjin is serious and confused and sad and the younger knows that he fucked up really bad this time.

But the tired brown eyes do not leave the screen and continue reading the messages. Again and again as if this will make them disappear.

 

"Wanna know what he wrote?"

And Jisung does not want to know what he wrote.

Because the usually warm eyes are full of sadness and anger, and the usually soft voice has sharp edges to it. Because the trembling hands tremble more than they normally would and Jisung feels bad and wants to hold them, apologising to him.

He does not understand why he cannot move.

  
" _Hurry up, Felix just called me._ I have no idea who that Felix guy is, but alright."

And Jisung wants to tell him that Felix is just a friend of theirs. Someone who Hyunjin would love to spend time with.

But his mouth stays shut.

" _Did something happen? Are you reading this right now?_ Well, I'm reading this right now, but I don't think that I should be reading this because,"

And a loud, heartbreaking sob leaves Hyunjin's lips and Jisung definitely put on his contact lenses right after he woke up, but for some reason his sight gets blurry again and he finally takes a step forward, putting a hand on the other's shoulder and he can feel how bad he trembles.

And Jisung feels awful.

"Jinnie-"

" _Did you wake Jinnie up? Please tell me you_ -"

Hyunjin takes a shuddering breath and Jisung wants to take the phone away from him. Smashing the thing which causes him so much pain. Assuring him that everything is alright and that there is no reason to cry.

 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

And the sad brown eyes look away from the screen and a sad smile takes over his face and Hyunjin has always been an ugly crier.

The screen turns black and Hyunjin runs his fingers through his still short hair and he looks devastated.

And Jisung wants to hold him.

 

"You know that I wouldn't have-"

But he interrupts himself. Jisung just stands there, looking at him with pity in his eyes and millions of unspoken apologies. Forgetting, how much Hyunjin hates pity.

Wiping away the tears with his sleeve, Hyunjin tries again.

"You know that I don't mind,"

Is all that comes out of him.

And Jisung knows that he does not mind. He never did. After all, it is Hyunjin.

 

And all the beautiful pictures and post it notes on his mirror, all the tattoos on his body, all the laughter and music which once filled the now too quiet room that somehow was way too loud at the same time.

All the colors in this world.

Everything turns to grey in the moment in which he realises that broke him.

And Jisung hopes that Minho will arrive soon.

 

There are soft knocks before Minho enters the room with a confused expression. But it quickly turns into worry and panic, when he sees all the tears and hears the sobs.

Feeling how the once colorfull room is completely blue.

The sad brown eyes now look at Minho and the latter can feel his heart break at the sight. Knowing, that he also caused this pained expression.

And the oldest walks over to Hyunjin, opening his arms to embrace the younger, but the sad brown eyes are not only sad.

"Don't fucking touch me."

And it is Jisung who flinches at the words.

The open arms fall to his sides and he finds himself nodding, but not wanting to nod. He wants to make it better again, he wants them to be happy not heartbroken.

Sad and angry brown eyes avert themselves from Minho and stare back at the turned off screen.

  
It is certainly not the first time they fought. But this time, Jisung feels like something worse will happen. Looking over at Minho, he can tell that the oldest also feels like this, lips thin and eyes without any sign of the usual sparkle. They actually look darker than usual.

  
There is a perfect excuse ready to be said on the older's tongue, Jisung can tell, but Hyunjin shakes his head.

"Don't even start."

"Okay."

And nothing is okay.

 

The three of them stand in the middle of the room and no one dares to say a word and Hyunjin and Jisung are both silently crying and Minho does not know what to do and everything is too much.

Everthing is blue.

The window is wide open and stars decorate the sky. Loud car noise fills the quiet room and Hyunjin's fingers touch the constellation on his wrist.

It feels like they broke their promise.

It feels like they broke him.

It feels like they fucked him up.

 

"You always do this."

Minho and Jisung look up confusedly at the sudden confession. Hyunjin only shruggs.

"I should be used to this by now."

And Jisung's eyes widden, not understanding a single word but also understanding everything which leaves the older's lips. Not sure if he wants to understand them. But he remains voiceless.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on! It's always like this. You two do something together and forget that I'm even part of this relationship! It has always been like this! It has always been just Minho and Jisung."

And for once they ignore how Hyunjin's voice gets louder and louder after every word which he spits out with so much fire.

  
"What?"

There is anger, pain, fury, sadness, red. So much red in this single word. Minho can only see red.

Hands are gripping the lighter and the small package in his pockets a little tighter and Jisung knows this tone.

Fire in his eyes. Fire in his voice.

And so much water in his heart.

So much red and so much blue and Jisung can only see this two colors instead of the two boys he loves.

  
"Okay, listen up, Jinnie, we-"

"I don't want to hear it!"

Minho's lips are still parted, after being interrupted by Hyunjin's scream and he bites his tongue, holding himself back again.

He can only nod. He can control the fire.

  
Looking up from the screen again, Hyunjin looks at both of his lovers. And he notices that they are also hurt. And he notices that he is not the only one crying.

But just for once does he wish to be selfish.

Just for once does he wish to scream.

  
"Fuck!"

The boy stares at the ceiling, not wanting to face either of them anymore and Jisung wants to run over to him, embracing him and apologising for lying.

He does not.

"How could I be so fucking stupid and believe that you two,"

Hyunjin's fingers point at them and his once warm eyes seem freezing cold.

"actually like me?"

The raised arms fall numbly to his sides again.

And there are tear stains on his white hoodie and his face is full of red spots. Dark circles are under his red eyes and Jisung realises what kind of damage he has done to him.

  
Hyunjin opens his mouth again, wanting to get rid of all the anger inside of him, but Minho holds up his hand, annoyance and anger visible in his eyes. And Jisung notices this far too late. This, and the fact that Minho never yelled at Hyunjin before.

  
"That's it. How about you shut your pretty mouth for a fucking second and start listening instead of talking?"

Jisung flinches at the words and Hyunjin's reaction is not any better. The red eyes are wide open and stare at Minho in shook.

And Minho could not care less.

"Didn't you think at least once, why we didn't tell you shit?"

And the youngest is actually scared because Minho rarely raises his voice like this and everything starts to hurt.

  
"We are going to a party, to which you are not fucking invited to, and we sure as fuck not gonna take you with us!"

"And why?!"

The phone falls down to the ground with a loud thump and Jisung knows that there will be scratches on it. Memories he does not want.

  
The smell of chocolate cake still lays in the air, even if the cake is long gone now. And the pictures on the wall start look fake, in Jisung's opinion. And if you pay enough attention to the smell, you can still scent the faint odour of drugs.

And Jisung hates all of this.

Because all of this reminds him of Hyunjin and Hyunjin used to smell like chocolate and not like drugs.

  
Minho walks over to Hyunjin and messes up the dark wooden floor with his dirty shoes and Hyunjin steps back from the older, his pink socks muffling his steps.

The smell of smoke embraces Minho like the tattoos on his arms and Hyunjin wants to yell at him for smoking again. But he knows that the same smell also embraces him and therefore he contains himself.

"I've spent more than two years with you and your self-pitying ass and I watched how Jisung ruined you. Now I want to make it up again, but, nope, little Hyunjinnie still thinks the whole fucking world is against him."

And Hyunjin and Jisung are speechless.

 

Another step backwards and Hyunjin feels Jisung's smaller frame on his back. Tempted to turn around and hide from Minho's voice, but the youngest is quicker and wraps his arms around the taller.

"Min, I think this is enough."

This is not enough for Minho. Not even close. But continuing this petty fight is useless in his opinion.

  
"Jisung,"

Said boy looks up at Minho.

"we are leaving."

And poor Hyunjin did not even notice, when Minho grabed Jisung and leaves him alone in the room. Faintly hearing Jisung's protest in the distance but noting else.

  
The door had never been slammed shut any louder.

Silence has never been so loud.

 

But love is not only ugly.

And love is not only beautiful.

Love is this beautiful mess that you create with the people you like.

Because love means sweet and angry words. Whispers and screams. Laughter and tears.

Love means everything you want it to be.

 

In Jisung's opinion, the worst part of living alone again is the constant silence.

There is no obnoxious laughter or loud music, when he enters his apartment and he would be lying, if he says he does not miss the other's bad taste in music. It is not even that bad anymore.

He misses the colorfull voice which would fill the apartment with the prettiest sounds. He misses the warmth which radiated from the older. He misses the beautiful photos the other always took which he would use as an inspiration.

He misses him.

  
Jisung closes the door with a sigh, not minding the messy corridor anymore, and throwing his shoes next to another pair of black ones. His jacket quickly follows, before he enters the kitchen, eying the dishes in the sink, but dismissing them with a lazy wave of his hand.

He debates with himself, if he should make something to eat, maybe even invite Minho over, but he does not feel like cooking anymore or ordering something.

However, his fiingers are twitching and the want to see the toxic smoke in front of him again becomes bigger. But he quickly collects himself.

The apartment stopped smelling like smoke some months ago, which Jisung is proud of, but it still does not feel right. And he just cannot understand why.

  
Leaving the kitchen, he enters the next mess of a room. Not even noticing the open window or the presence of his boyfriend. It is like his eyes cannot see anymore.

  
"You're okay?"

And Minho's voice lost all the color it once held.

Shaking his head, Jisung walks closer to Minho and meeting him in the middle of the livingroom. The older's arms wrap themselves around the younger's waist. And Minho smells like a weird mix of vanilla and smoke and Jisung somehow likes it.

  
"He called me."

Jisung nods.

"He's feeling better and asked to meet again."

"What did you answer?"

"What do you think?"

Jisung's face is pressed on the other's shoulder. It is not easy to breath for him in this position, but he misses the warmth Hyunjin was always ready to give. For him, not having Hyunjin around in the apartment anymore, feels worse than any drug withdrawal he experienced.

Minho's hand draws comforting circles on the younger's back, subconsciously pulling him closer.

And Jisung does not smell like smoke anymore, but the honey shampoo which Hyunjin always loved to use.

  
"Why did he never feel the need to tell me about his fears?"

The question is a mumble, almost too quiet for Minho's ears to catch.

"Because he loves you."

"I don't think so."

And if Minho could, he would pull Jisung even closer.

  
They end up cleaning the apartment with Minho doing most of the work, since Jisung does not feel like moving another inch. The dishes are finally washed and the photos and post it notes, which Jisung ripped off from his mirror after he had realised that Hyunjin had left, stick again on said mirror.

Minho goes through them carefully, smiling, when he remembers how Hyunjin yelled at them to shut up and stop moving, so he could finally take a picture of them next to that lighthouse.

He does not want to stop the smile on his face.

  
On the meantime, Jisung is laying face down on the couch, with his black hood thrown over his head, and looking like he is either waiting for death to take him or for someone to cheer him up again. Due the fact that this is Jisung, the latter seems more likely.

When Minho enters the livingroom, he feels a stab in his heart. It is unusual to see Jisung so heartbroken. It is unusual for Jisung to be so dimmed and not full of bright and lively colors.

He wonders if the younger even noticed him entering.

  
"What if he only wants to see you?"

So he did notice.

"Why should he only want to see me?"

Jisung answers with a shrug and turns around, now facing the ceiling while pulling uncomfortably on his sleeves. Trying to hide himself like he always does when he is sad. Colorfull tattoos slowly disappear behind black sleeves.

Only when the small waving penguin on his wrist is hidden behind black, does Jisung dare to speak up again.

  
"Hyung, I'm scared."

And he has to be terrified, when he calls Minho Hyung again, even though, the oldest allowed him to stop a long time ago.

Carefully does Minho walk over to him, crouching down and taking the hands into his own. An uneasy smile appears on the younger's face, before the older shakes his head and the smile is replaced with tears.

Sobbing, Jisung tries his best to phrase another sentence.

"Why should he even want to see me?"

"Because he loves you."

"This-"

The doorbell interrupts him and Jisung slightly jumps, when he hears the sound. Too focused on trying to find reasons on why Hyunjin does not want to see him that he forgot that the boy actually planned to visit.

Minho stands up, forcing Jisung to come with him as well and even wipes the tears away.

However, when they slowly make their way towards the door, Minho easily notices Jisung's nervousness, something so un-Jisung-like that he gets confused for a moment.

"I don't think that I can do it."

"You can."

And Jisung wants to deny again, but Minho's grip on his hand tightens and he can feel, how he strokes his knuckles, just like Jisung himself does, whenever the older is nervous.

  
Minho quickly removes the other's hood and fixes the messy hair, before he opens the door. But Jisung's eyes remain on the floor.

Those brown doe eyes only look up, when they see the familiar pair of shoes in front of them and Jisung immidiatly frees himself from Minho only to attach himself on Hyunjin not even a second later.

Arms wrap around the older's neck and there is the familiar smell of honey in vanilla again which the younger did not even notice, how much he missed it. And the other's arms wrap around Jisung's waist, pulling him closer and breathing in the same smell of honey. Smiling, when he realises that the younger missed him just as much as he missed Jisung.

  
Minho clears his throat.

  
"So, I stole Woojin's keys and we have more or less two hours before he notices."

The younger two pulled away from their bone crushing hug to look at Minho confusedly and concerned.

Minho only sighs.

"With other words: Jisung put on your shoes, we're leaving."

And if someone notices Hyunjin's subtle flinch when he hears the last words, no one mentions it.

  
They storm out of the apartment laughingly, receiving some ugly stares from their neighbours. But the building is again filled with colorfull voices and the white and dull walls look like they are shining.

When they leave the apartment complex, they spot the black car almost immidiatly. They run towards it, Minho towards the driver's side, Hyunjin to the passenger's and Jisung to the back.

Just like always.

No one knows when they decided these seating position or at least no one admits that they know. However, Jisung still remembers, how Hyunjin and himself had always fought for the passenger's seat, when they were still in high school. And one day, after a way too long battle of rock paper scissors, the winner was finally settled and approved by Minho's eye roll and sigh.

Jisung smiles at the memory while he puts his seatbelt on.

 

Quiet music plays in the car and the sky outside is turning into faint soft pink and red colors.

They have not done something like this in quite some time. Maybe because Hyunjin was missing - Jisung shudders at the thought - or maybe because they never had time for this. Whatever it was, it is over now.

There is a pleasant smell of coffee in the air which covers the smell of fried chicken.

  
"We are almost out of gas."

Hyunjin leans over to look at the little display for himself and humms, confirming Minho's statement. It is not like he can do anything else except for that.

On the other hand, Jisung's eyes widden, when he hears Hyunjin's confirmation and he leans over the two seats, looking at his boyfriends with a bright smile.

And they both know exactly what it means.

 

Not even ten minutes later do they find themselves tanking their car while eating ice cream at Jisung's favourite gas station.

The station is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Far away from the city, but also far from any fields or beaches.

Often does Jisung visit the gas station out of boredom or whenever he lacks creativity. Only packing his sketchbook and a pencil, which he once found one the ground, before he drives there.

He is not ashamed to admit that he became friends with the owner of the gas station.

  
Minho takes out his red package of cigarettes and offers it to his boyfriends, before he even considers taking one for himself. But both Hyunjin and Jisung deny it. Nodding, Minho puts them away and happily accepts the chocolate ice cream which is given to him.

Sitting on the black hood of their stolen car, they share this small moment of silence together.

Actually, it is still too cold to eat ice cream outside in the evening and they should have really bought coffee instead. Especially after Hyunjin experienced his third brain freeze.

Nevertheless, all this is forgotten, when they look up at the gorgeous view.

What once were only some pastle pink and slightly red clouds, now turned into a breathtakingly beautiful painting.

Fuchsia and lavender and yellow and blue.

And Jisung feels Hyunjin grabbing his hand and Minho throwing his leg over Jisung's lap

  
Shifting on the hood, Hyunjin tries to put his head on the youngest shoulder, but Jisung stopped growing after high school and Hyunjin has always been taller. Therefore it is not really easy.

"The other day, when you showed me your sketchbook,"

For all Jisung remembers, the last time he ever showed someone his sketchbook was almost half a year ago.

"There was a drawing of something like this in it."

"Like what?"

Hyunjin's arms gesture to everything surrounding them, unable to pit it into words. Minho snorts quietly next to them.

And the youngest opens his mouth, wanting to tell him a little more about the drawing, but when Hyunjin finally faces him, lips turned into one of the most beautiful smiles, which Jisung has ever seen on him, with the small dimple on his left cheek and his eyes crinkling into crescents. And Jisung forgets every word he learned.

"It is beautiful."

Jisung only smiles back. Keeping it a secret that Hyunjin's beauty inspired him to draw it. Trying his best to ignore the not so subtle but knowing smirk Minho throws his way.

And silence is finally not loud anymore.

 

They stay there for a little longer, until Minho takes out his phone and gasps, realising, that they have roughly an hour left before Woojin will notice his missing car and they are still nowhere near their final destination.

Jumping off from the hood and pilling inside the car again, Jisung quickly waves at the owner of the station and promising to pay for the tank the next time he visits. Felix shakes his head disapprovingly, but allows them get away with not paying this time.

Back in the car, Hyunjin starts talking about his rehab program and how everyone tells him that he is one of their best patients, to fill the silence.

It was Minho's idea to register Hyunjin there. A friend of Minho's is in charge of the whole program and was also the person who proposed the idea, believing that the chances of curing or at least helping Hyunjin are a lot higher than Jisung's or Minho's.

And Minho really owns Seungmin for that.

 

Huge sunflower fields cover the next kilometres and Jisung has a hard time to not beg Minho to drive over, since they already lost way too much time at the gas station.

So Jisung only pouts and takes pictures with his phone, until Hyunjin gives him his camera for better photos.

The sky is still in a lavender and yellow and pink color and the sunflowers look beautiful with this background, but Jisung is really not talented with taking pictures, due the fact that his place is in front of a camera and not behind it. With other words, the pictures turn out awful and Jisung cringes, when he hands over the camera.

Maybe it is better to just look at the flowers instead of taking pictures of them.

Not everthing that is beautiful is supposed to be held for eternity.

 

"The people at rehab asked me what my tattoo stands for."

Jisung's eyes leave the window and he faces Hyunjin's back. Noticing for the first time, how the soft brown hair has reached their normal length again and not a single sign from the failed attempt of ash blond is left.

The silver earings, which dangle from the other's ears, are being played with by him. And Jisung smiles, when he recognises the habbit.

  
"What did you tell them?"

"Promise you don't laugh."

Minho glances at him, but promises nonetheless.

Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin shuts his eyes, before an answer can leave his lips.

"I told them that I am a lighthouse."

And Minho really wants to laugh.

It is not like the explanation is completely wrong, but the words the younger chose to explain it with are hilarious to him.

And Jisung can tell how hard Hyunjin must be blushing right now.

"Well, in Hyunjin's defense, he is not completely wrong!"

"I never said that he is wrong!"

Quiet but frustrated screams leave Hyunjin's lips and Jisung pats his shoulder awkwardly.

"What makes it even worse is the fact how confident I was, when I said it."

Jisung's pats become a little faster and even Minho tries to find comforting words while hiding his huge smile behind his hand.

"Not everyone is talent with words, Jinnie."

"Sungie is."

And Jisung smiles proudly at the compliment. Obviously it is not the first time he received a compliment for his way with words, but this does not make it any less special, when someone does it.

  
Looking outside again, the bright colors are replaced with a dark blue and a quick glance at his phone tells him, that they have another forty minutes before they should be back.

But the thought of seeing the lighthouse again does not leave his mind.

And when he looks at his two boyfriends, he feels like he is sixteen again and not twenty-six. Free from any permanent artworks on his skin and without a care in his mind.

He misses being carefree.

But it is alright.

Because when he looks at Minho and his determined self, he can see the confident red which Jisung lacks on himself.

And when he looks over at Hyunjin and how much he improved to stay alive for them, he can see how the dark blue slowly turns into a soft lavender. It is an improvement which Jisung wants to experience as well, maybe then his own dark colors will finally turn into something a little lighter.

  
The rest of the drive is filled with louder music, laughter and pointing cows and horses out. The feeling of being sixteen again without a care in this world, also spread over the other two boys. And the windows are all rolled down and they all sing out of tune to make each other laugh.

Too soon do they arrive at the forgotten beach.

Leaving the black car at the empty parking lot, they run towards the shut down lighthouse, screaming and laughing.

Somehow not feeling lost anymore.

 

  
_And they are in love._

 

 

 

 

_End_.


End file.
